OKP Therapy Thread

[GratefulPhish]

Oh yeah, excuse the typos, Pa'ing from your phone is frustrating.

[ladyphish]

^I think some people, and most addicts have severely limited or NO coping skills. It seems either they have some horrible experience in their past that has scarred them or the anxiety of the THOUGHT of something bad happening freaks them out...so they get fucked up so they don't have to deal. Most people, they live life: they go to school or work, they interact with people, and if something bad happens, they deal with it and move on. People with poor or no coping skills can't handle anything...so they don't. It's really sad to see in play.

^^I've always hated American death culture. Your loved one dies. You have to go to a place where their dead body is (usually) in display and stand in a line so people can rip your heart out one by one. There's a funeral then a graveside service, then everybody descends on your house like a bunch of vultures to pick the last morsel of food from the well-stocked tables. It's just weird. Cremate me and sprinkle me somewhere soil-y where I can be part of the earthly life-cycle again. Then go out afterwards and have a hell of a time in my honor. Fuck a bunch of crying and Amazing Grace

[El Bastarde]

A traditional Assyrian/Chaldean funeral is quite an ordeal. If my dad died, everyone would come to my house and usually they would bring food.

See, I kinda like rituals like this since it's still basically having a meal together. If you're honoring the dead, do it in a joyous fashion...or at least try to.

THEN THE "CRYING LADIES" COME. They sing or chant in Aramaic and the things they are saying are like, "he will never hold his children again", "his wife will never kiss him again", and other sad things that help you cry.

What the hell bloody sick fuck came up with this ritual? Someone should have kicked him in the nuts and used his "crying lady" idea to help him cry over that. I wonder if anyone has ever flipped out and attacked one of the ladies in the past for rubbing it in.

The main idea is to get the grief out; don't hold onto it; be horrrrrribly sad today, so sad you can never be sad again.

Yeah, too bad that won't work when the family gets home.

Since living with him I've learned that his brother is a recovering alcoholic and it is so apparent to me that he thinks that smoking pot all day is laughable in comparison to being drunk. Well when confronted him I told him that I saw no difference in the two lifestyles.

That's kinda what I mean. I mean he's at least addicted to probably the least-dangerous drug there is and one can live a normal life...but it's still the life of an addict and there are many traits that come with all addicts...especially ignoring responsibilities and maybe being lazy.

His goal when smoking pot is to get as high as possible every time, and how he can't see how that is no different is absolutely beyond me

I would do this on weekends or something but eventually realized that smoking a bunch at once is kind of a waste...you can only get SO baked and four or five hits will likely do it as well as any.

He's incredibly disillusioned and wants to just block out anything bad or sad going on in the world, I don't even think he will watch fictional dramas anymore.

I can understand this. I don't block myself from reading or watching stuff about tragedies (it makes for fascinating stories, really) but I definitely don't like dwelling on them and don't understand those who do. I'm sure there's some escapism tendencies there as well but I tend to be positive and I don't think the world's quite as bad as media seems to want to make it out to be. I do find myself avoiding stuff like the local news since it seems like it's almost entirely bad news and, even worse, bad news that is mostly pointless and run-of-the-mill stuff. Why report on a woman getting robbed in a parking lot?...That doesn't seem like "news" to me...it happens all the time and all the constant stories do is scare people.

^^I've always hated American death culture.

Me too. We revel in it, especially the media. I find the anniversary of 9/11 to be ridiculous...why do people need to get together and dwell on such a horrible event?...you can honor those people without that. "Never forget?" Screw that...why remind yourself of something so bad? Anniversary of Pearl Harbor, anniversary of JFK's shooting, anniversary of D-Day, anniversary of [insert school shooting here], anniversary of the Titantic sinking, "Elvis would have been XX years old today"...I understand part of it is the 24/7 media running out of ideas, but it gets tired.

Fuck a bunch of crying and Amazing Grace

Exactly. Celebrate their life rather than mourn. It's a bit tougher when people die young but, sheesh...my brother had a friend die around 36 due to a ton of medical issues that we knew would kill him eventually...I actually had a really enjoyable time was at the wake when my brother and his friends just stood around sharing crazy and hilarious stories of the guy...that's what these services should be about.

[El Bastarde]

Sigh...so tired of this. After some looking up I think I figured out that Mom has General Anxiety Disorder. She's frantic almost every day, wanders back and forth constantly, talks to herself, has an inability to relax and is always up and about, she's constantly looking for chores to do, is always negative about how "she screwed up," starts sobbing randomly at various times, can't concentrate on anything, can't sit for more than thirty seconds without having to get up again and barely hears half of what you're saying since her brain is so busy. It's really horrible to watch.

The problem is she won't do anything about it. I think part of it is there's a fear that pushes her away from dealing with it. She'll even cancel simple stuff like dental appointments over strange reasons that don't make sense then cries about how she "screwed up" in doing so a day later. She comes up with excuses all the time of things she must take care of first. My Dad seems to kind of be on my side but he won't just schedule it for her since she'll yell at him and I think he doesn't understand he's going to have to piss her off to get her help...and he scolds me for riding her to get help and I come off as the bad guy. I'm between apartments now so I've been living with them for the last few months and I just want to get out of there...I find myself searching more frantically for a place these days if only so I don't have to see it every day.

I can't stand watching her be like this and do nothing and then I come off as the villain for pushing her to get help. I have no idea what to do. I've printed up articles for her to read and a list of therapists to call and stuff to ask them and all that. She reads it all and appreciates it and still does nothing. I can't force her to do anything and she seems like she's just accepted that this is how her life will be now. I think they're both kind of old-fashioned as they come from a generation where mental health was not discussed or understood...maybe they don't get therapists or something.

Sigh...just had to vent. Mental health issues are no fun. They wear on everyone and not just the victim and it keeps everyone on edge. Most days my Dad and I try to avoid her since we can't stand to see her in her anxious stupor and there's nothing we can say to make it better. I don't know what to fucking do.

[fone]

^Sorry to hear Steve, but don't get wrapped around her axle yourself. If you can't devise a plan of action that can get your mom some help yourself, like AAA, you need to see someone who might have an idea how to handle this. It's probably not an uncommon occurrence for people with chemical imbalances to resist help, and so there may be proven methodologies to getting them in to see a qualified doctor or therapist.

Don't give up. Try a different tactic. You may be considered the bad guy for the rest of your life, but if you really believe she needs help, shouldn't matter how people look at you.

[willbreathes]

Not sure a car service is the best way to go about things... but I don't know everything.

[y0n]

Dealing with family members with mental illness might be one of life's biggest challenges. Anxiety is an often overlooked type of mental illness too. Doesn't get nearly as much press as depressions, bipolar, schizophrenia, etc.

Convincing a family member to seek therapy can prove challenging. It might be fruitful to suggest family therapy, as that can be a door to personal therapy and potentially psychiatric treatment.

Hope it all works out for the best.

[El Bastarde]

^Sorry to hear Steve, but don't get wrapped around her axle yourself. If you can't devise a plan of action that can get your mom some help yourself, like AAA, you need to see someone who might have an idea how to handle this.

Yes, I've debated just calling or seeing a therapist myself for some advice on how to do this. It's just frustrating. Even if I "say the right things" she won't really believe me since I'm not in any position of medical authority...she'd listen to a doctor but not to me.

You may be considered the bad guy for the rest of your life, but if you really believe she needs help, shouldn't matter how people look at you.

I don't think I would be a bad guy for long...my Dad still understands what I'm doing and mostly agrees that she needs help...just, in the moment, he doesn't like me riding her. Plus her anxiety makes her come to near tears the second you even bring it up. I think she just needs a clear head and she'd understand.

Anxiety is an often overlooked type of mental illness too. Doesn't get nearly as much press as depressions, bipolar, schizophrenia, etc.

Frankly, anxiety seems to be at the root of many of those other problems. Most people with depression, OCD and schizo and such have some form fear or anxiety that makes them like that...those are just more extreme cases. I see some signs of depression (she's always negative about herself) and some OCD (constant obsession over doing chores) in her behavior so I think the conditions often bleed together.

And thanks, guys...I have no idea how this'll go but I have a feeling they'll make a trip to Florida before getting help...and won't get any down there either. So silly to me. At the least, they should get some medication for it...but Mom is freaked about taking that too.

[hosemasterflex]

Pour in lots of reassurance and love, whatever goodness you can bring, is my advice. You can only do so much, on the one hand, but when it comes to love and kindness, you can kind of never do enough, you know?

I have some of that in my household too, a fair dose actually. And lately that's been my attitude - these people need love and reassurance, support ... they're afraid for a reason. Life is fuckin' terrifying.

[El Bastarde]

Pour in lots of reassurance and love, whatever goodness you can bring, is my advice.

Yeah, I find myself wanting to go the "tough love" route on this but it just makes things worse. Sadly, positive words also seem to have little effect but Mom does appreciate them when they're said. I think it's a lack of positivity that leads to all this stuff...whether it's not enough "thank you's" or the person striving for perfection and failing at it...can be hard to say.

She's been better the last few days and you kind of not want to bring it up to bring the mood down but when she's got a clear head is when she should be dealing with it...not easy at all.

[y0n]

Pour in lots of reassurance and love, whatever goodness you can bring, is my advice. You can only do so much, on the one hand, but when it comes to love and kindness, you can kind of never do enough, you know?

I have some of that in my household too, a fair dose actually. And lately that's been my attitude - these people need love and reassurance, support ... they're afraid for a reason. Life is fuckin' terrifying.

Dude. I want to print this out, frame it, and put it up on the wall.

Well said.

[themomadans]

. We always understood that 'high' was never supposed to be a permanent state, just another fun aspect of the dance.
.

I think a majority of addicts start out like this. Increased involvement sneaks up (for lack of a better term) on certain people.

Everyone's story is different so I don't want to expand on this thought too much and run the risk of generalizing a huge group of individuals.

[phishinsky]

I'm trying to be a good person. Trying to get back here. I miss u guys,maths freedom and love we have here...

[El Bastarde]

^Hang in there, man.

Had an up and down weekend. My Mom seemed to get worse where, even when we got her to take her pills, they seemed to have little effect...she was always in some state of anxiety but it was just about how bad it was. Plus she was so scared of taking the pills (made-up fears on side effects) that I think the extra fears added from taking them seemed to counteract any effect they've had. And she wanted to call her doctor since one of them gave her nausea but they were closed all weekend so you just had to deal with it.

I guess my Dad took her to the doc on Friday and she had a full-on anxiety episode in the office so the doc got to see what we're dealing with. He suggested a psychiatrist (now it's a big effort to get her to schedule that) and even left a note for my Dad to call him separately so we'll see what he has to say on that today.

Thought we had progress but maybe it's not possible...sometimes I wonder if she's gone and this shell of a person is all I have left.

But, I did have a nice Sunday/Monday with a nice birthday so it worked a lil bit. I also have Dead and Company this Thursday and a concert seems like a nice escape now.

[phishinsky]

Boy, moving letters all around, then bam, burnt toast....

[GratefulPhish]

^ I'm not sure what you mean there...but hi Ryan

I pretty much agree with The Bastard. I mention in a thread recently living with an uber pothead, and how gross it is. He's gotten better since I confronted him, but he is definitely addicted to some aspect of it, no doubt about that. Since living with him I've learned that his brother is a recovering alcoholic and it is so apparent to me that he thinks that smoking pot all day is laughable in comparison to being drunk. Well when confronted him I told him that I saw no difference in the two lifestyles. I didn't think about his brother at the time and that obviously hurt his feelings some, but someone needed to say it. His goal when smoking pot is to get as high as possible every time, and how he can't see how that is no different is absolutely beyond me (at least once you get past the early stages of discovering pot).

Then there's the whole thing about his outlook on life that just goes hand in hand with him being stoned to the gills all the time. He's incredibly disillusioned and wants to just block out anything bad or sad going on in the world, I don't even think he will watch fictional dramas anymore. I just can't imagine going through life trying to censor yourself like that. I know life can be overwhelming and confusing, but this is most definitely an outlook I have never come across before. I gotta believe he's gonna have a real hard time adjusting after/if he graduates from college.

My, how my issues have changed, hell it took me a while to figure out who I was even talking about here, I've lived with so many addicted people.

I'll throw a new in the mix since Ryan bumped this. I broke up with my lady for a couple weeks, and my buddy since I was in 7th grade decided to text her back and forth throughout that time we were broken up. And snapchat her. Me and the girl have since gotten back together, and she told me last weekend that he asked her out for drinks. And at one point he was messaging her on snapchat, and when she asked why, he said "because there's no proof." Apparently conversations on snapchat (much like the pictures) aren't saved, what a great fuckin app. I'm going to meet him tomorrow to talk, but I'm not really sure how things will go. He's been one of my best friends for years, but I don't know how I can trust him again knowing what he was trying to pull. It's been making me sick, so maybe that's all I need to know...but I'm gonna give him a chance to explain himself, even though he hasn't had the balls to do it on his own accord.

[El Bastarde]

Wow, I kind of forgotten about this thread. I read my stuff on my Mom's anxiety and it's improved a bit since that post. She's now seeing a psyche doctor and is on meds and, while she still has some rough anxiety days (usually based on stresses in real life) it's still not as bad as it once was. Sadly, the toughest part is the likely the same with anyone...you have to convince them they have an issue (very tough) and then convince them they can't handle it on their own (also tough). It sucked and involved lots of arguing and frustration but Mom finally accepts her issue and is doing what the doctors tell her.

^On your buddy, that's a tough dilemma. You kind of know the story of it so the decision is on you. You have to decide to hold a grudge and push the guy away or decide to let it go and just go on as though it didn't happen. Though, maybe it just means you have a really cool gal there and he just couldn't resist giving it a shot.

[GratefulPhish]

^Glad to hear things are going a little better with your mom. And you're right, no one has really been able to give me any straight advice. But it wouldn't be holding a grudge exactly, it would just be that I will simply see him differently than I ever did before, and I don't really know that that would allow for any genuine friendship. I'd constantly be looking over my shoulder if the three of us hung out. Fucking sucks.

Tell it like it is, Drew. I have never minded being an asshole and speaking my piece.

I miss this sonuvabitch.

[ladyphish]

Wow, time is seriously the best. After whining and crying in here for like two years, my situation finally resolved itself in the best possible way. I managed to buy my husband out of our house, he moved out, and we will be divorced by the spring. We get along soooo much better now. I don't think we've had more than two or three arguments since November, and both times we were able to come to a resolution and move on. He has a really great girlfriend who's like 50, but is pretty awesome. She's this really sweet hippie lady who just adores him and babies him exactly like he wants. They're kind of perfect for each other and she's really great with my daughter. I was so terrified he was going to pick some 20-something party girl, so I've been pleasantly surprised for sure. He was able to get our kiddo into a Headstart program, so she's now in school everyday. That means Mama gets free time Thursday and Friday when I'm not working... which I've never had! My life is a completely different life. I'm so much happier now and thankful for the shitty journey to get here...though it about killed me lol.

^I definitely think you should let your friend know that you know what's up. However, since your girl wasn't interested in him anyway, I probably wouldn't put that much emphasis on it in the future. Keep the guy, at arm's length, but I wouldn't worry about him too much. Glad your girl was honest with you.

^^Glad your mom is doing better!

[El Bastarde]

^Great to hear. I know plenty of couples who just seem to get along more when they don't live together. It's weird, but it works that way so I'm not surprised to see the same with you. It's like the whole living together thing is a weight on both folks and once that's over, it's lifted and both sides see more clearly. Hope it all works out.

it would just be that I will simply see him differently than I ever did before, and I don't really know that that would allow for any genuine friendship.

I have a few friends kinda like this where I like them and hang with them but I wouldn't trust them to do certain things like borrow money or whatever. Heck, I even give them shit about it. Sometimes it can work out in a strange way. Like you said, the relationship will likely be different but it can still be fun.

[ladyphish]

^There was so much stress in the house and it all left with him, thankfully I learned so much. Just off the top of my head:
1.) I don't ever want to get married again. That shit is FAR too much work and I don't care to invest that much into a relationship again. I have plenty to keep me fulfilled. My energy can be better spent elsewhere.
2.) I will not cohabitate with my guy again. I like my space, my solitude, and my shit exactly where I left it. I'm not looking to date ANY time soon, but when that time comes, he can come by, he can stay the night occasionally, but he will NEVER live with me.
3.) I feel like I'd rather eat dirt than date. Seriously can't fathom it for the foreseeable future. Everybody says I'll change my mind, but I really don't know what I will. He'd have to be damn near perfect for me to even consider it.
4.) I am DONE being a sugar mama. I'm no gold digger as evidenced by any guy I've dated since I was a teenager, but I'm tired of paying for my own dinner and especially theirs. No more stay dogs, as my mom calls them. No more projects or guys who need to be saved. If you can't take care of yourself, I don't care how freaking sexy your beard is. Move it on along because I'm done raising kids

[Katiemay]

So glad that your high stress situations have subsided, Stevo and Ollie. Sucks having to live like that for any extended time.

[hosemasterflex]

Hey me too, I came in here griping more than once I think, and happy to say things are much better ... a lot changes in half a decade. Things are pretty okay over here these days.

[El Bastarde]

2.) I will not cohabitate with my guy again.

I tend to like my freedom so I'm probably the same. Maybe I'd find a gal who won't nitpick how I'm going about my stuff but I doubt it.

3.) I feel like I'd rather eat dirt than date.

I'm kind of at this point too. Not that I hate it but it just seems like a massive chore to go out and find someone and, whenever I go out, looking for chicks is the last thing I want to do. Most of my outings are centered around concerts or sports anyway so neither are great for getting gals anyway.

If I met the right gal, sure, I'm into it but otherwise I'm out of the hunt for now. Oh well.

[ladyphish]

^My ex about drove me crazy living with him. He was ALWAYS moving my shit. I cannot tell you how many hours over the past 8 years I spent wandering around the house looking for my cell phone, work stuff, water bottle, rings, car keys, etc because he would move them in a completely unsolicited attempt to "help" me. HOURS I tell you. I'm admittedly absent-minded and really rely on putting my things in the same place each day so that I can find them. No amoubt of asking nicely, pleading for my sanity, or eventually yelling and cursing would detour him. It was maddening. He has some OCD tendencies and would rearrrange shelves, counters, drawers full of junk etc by size and move it around where he thought it should go. Even when I had already cleaned and organized a space. He STILL does that shit when he comes to see Piper or gets in my van to do a family outing. I think I've got PTSD about marriage lol.