Best Homer Lines....

I want to set the record straight, I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Mmmmm. Sacrilicious.

Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever … thy will be done.

“To alcohol - The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”

Marge: Homer! That side of bacon was for my bridge game tonight!
Homer: Marge, if you don’t mind, I’m a little busy right now achieving financial independence.
Marge: With cans of grease?
Homer: [sarcastically] No! Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease.

butter up that bacon, boy!!

and bacon up that sausage!!


I’m going to the back seat of my car! And I wont be back for TEN MINUTES!
Come, to Homercles.
Life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
The girls of the internet. Ooh, I’d go online with them anyday!
Asleep at the switch? I wasn’t asleep, I was drunk!
Kill my boss?!? Do I dare live out the american dream?
Marge, old people don’t need companionship, they need to be isolated and studied to see what useful nutrients can be obtained from them…
My balogna has a first name, its h-o-m-e-r, My balogna has a second name, its h-o-m-e-r…
If something is too hard, give it up. The moral my boy is to never try anything
It takes two people to lie, one to lie and one to listen.
Stealing? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name?
Good things don’t end in “eum”, they end in “mania” or “teria”
Lisa, Vampires are make believe, like Elves, Gremlins and Eskimos
This ticket doesn’t just give me a seat, it gives me the right, NO, the DUTY! to make a complete ass of myself.
Oh Lisa! You and your stories! Bart is a vampire! Beer kills brain cells! Now lets go back to that … building … thingy… where our beds and TV… is.
Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her - during the commercial.
You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it’s not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring.
It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in 8 hours of TV a day.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races
Don’t worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep… in a blender.
Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy’s boat!
Marge, what’s wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It’s gas, isn’t it?
Lisa, I can’t imagine anyone could be more likeable than you. But apparently, this new girl is. So my advice would be to start copying her in every way.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me “sir” without adding, “you’re making a scene.”
Ooh, the internet is on computers now.
Excuse me Doctor, I think I know a little something about medicine.
Son, when you attend sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how drunk you get.
To start, press any key. Where’s the ‘any’ key?
I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, ‘The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.’
Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
Oh my god, this man’s my exact double! And that dog has a puffy tail. Hee hee hee. Here puff! Here puff!
I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman!

and i have about a thousand more.

Good things don’t end in “eum”, they end in “mania” or “teria”

From the top row of a football stadium: “FLAN-Ders! FLAN-Ders! FLAN-Ders!”

“Money can be exchanged for goods and services.”

Not really a line but in the episode where one of Marge’s sisters is about to marry Troy McClure, they cut to Homer in the church and you hear, in his head, Homer’s voice humming Rock & Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter. Probably my all-time favorite moment on the Simpsons.

save me Jebus!!! or but I don’t even believe in Jebus!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, its not whether you win or loose, its how drunk you get

mmmmmm, forbidden donut

Homer: From now on, there are three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Bart: Isn’t that just the wrong way?
Homer: Yeah, but faster!

Homer: [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there’s five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn’t talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.

Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.

Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?

Billy Corgan: “Billy Corgan, ‘Smashing Pumpkins’.”
Homer Simpson: “Homer Simpson, smiling politely.”

You don’t win friends with salad

You sunk my scrabbleship!

Damn, you took mine. “I can’t be a missionary, I don’t even believe in Jebus.”

Then later on the plane when Marge hears him on the radio “Homer to Jebus, Homer to Jebus, Help!”

“Done and Done”

Michael: Hi, I’m Michael Jackson from the Jacksons.
Homer: Hi, I’m Homer Simpson from the Simpsons.

Pure Genius.


Homer: You got it Marge, no deer for a month
Marge: Did you say beer or deer?
Homer: …deer

“Mmmmmmmmmmm gummy-beers…”

I have laughed hardest at this one…but they’re all classic, classic stuff!

“Mr. Burns…I think we can trust the President of Cuba”

waffle batter runoff… mmmmmmmmm

Don’t blame me…I voted for Kodos!

Do you drink alone?

“Does The Lord count as a person?”

How many beers have you had today?

“Does whiskey count as beer?”

“Florida? That’s America’s wang!”

Maybe it’s the beer talking marge, but you’ve got a butt that won’t quit, they’ve got these big chewy pretzels here that are just awveeofefeufehfe beer dusofghngeugnegeg five dollars? get outta here!

mmmmmmmmmmm…open faced club sand wedge

All right Homer. We want you to recreate your every move the night you saw this alien.

Well, the evening began at the Gentleman’s club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.

Mr. Simpson, it’s a felony to lie to the FBI.

We were sitting in Barney’s car eating packets of mustard. Ya happy?

and here are some other gems from that episode:

"Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddies and kids with fake ID’s.

“So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.”

Hello, my name is Mr. Burns, I believe you have a package for me.

And your first name Mr. Burns?

I… Don’t know.