FESTIVUS 2007

Non-Phish General
#11

greivance #2.

i have a friend, we’ll call Ben (actual name). he’s a real nice guy and all, but he’s strangely munipulative, and i have trouble saying no to people sometimes. this made for some aggrivating situations. i used to work with him and here’s how a typical conversation would have gone:

Ben: hey are you going to lunch later?
Me: yeah.
Ben: what time are you going?
Me: one o clock, just like every day.
Ben: oh. well, what are you getting?
Me: chinese.
Ben: oh that sounds really good! you mind if i join you?
Me: …no, that’s fine.
Ben: you sure?
Me: yep. no problem.
Ben: cool. hey, do you mind if we leave a little later though? like 3? and do you mind if we go to the deli instead?
Me: ummmmmmm…well, i was really wanting to go at one, and i really wanted chinese.
Ben: okay. i guess i just won’t eat today then.

argh.

#12

Hairy pubes.

#13

People who use up an entire aisle at the grocery store.
Or those who just stand in the middle.
I don’t dodge anymore, so I’ve made contact with a few people – fuck 'em.

;D

#14

Wouldn’t it be nice to enjoy a pint of Festivus ice cream right now?

http://www.benjerry.com/our_company/press_center/press/festivus1127.html

Why did you retire it, Ben & Jerry?

Why!!!

:’(

#15

Grievance: People complaining about petrol prices in the US

It’s $2 a LITRE over here!

#16

Grievance: People moaning about Christmas.

This time of year, amid all the festive chear, there is always a scrooge or two to dampen the mood. What really hacks me off about these cretins is they always complain about the same things - Christmas shopping is horrible - it’s too commercial - there’s nothing good on TV anymore - I have to spend time with my family who I don’t like - I spend a lot of money and then get presents I don’t want. Shut the fuck up you miserable bastard.

#17

That’s the Christmas Festivus spirit!

#18

^ Maybe all you other countries should start bitching more about gas prices.

#19

I totally agree with the driving grievances. Especially the lane ending stuff. My favorite is when they don’t get over and then expect me to let them in. I’ve already turned on my blinker and gotten over, but they’re riding next to me and think they should just be allowed to get over. FUCK YOU! I did the right thing, you will not get in here! Then they glare at me like I’M the jackass! Another pet peeve is people who drive slow in the left lane of the interstate! I mean, it says “slower traffic keep right” but it never fails I have to pass some turtle driving in the left lane. You would think after they are passed, they would get over but NOOOOO. I swear, one day you’re going to hear about some chick from Alabama in a Subaru who lost her shit and started ramming people with her vehicle. It’s not going to be pretty but ohhhhhh will it be worth it!

“Friends” who lean on you time and time again for support, but when it’s your turn, all of a sudden they’re too busy to return phone calls or they treat you like you just told them you have a hangnail and “It’ll be alright”. Really? Is that the best you can do after the hours I spent listening to you bitch and moan and cry about, for example, the fact that my friend’s sister had a baby before she did. This girl calls me hysterically crying and I think something is terribly wrong. Turns out she was upset because her younger sister got pregnant before she did…my friend and her husband weren’t trying to get pregnant. She was just upset that she wasn’t going to be the first to have a baby. Cut to a few months later when I’m pretty down about some personal things and she didn’t have time for me and blew me off like it was no big deal. She’s not the only one who does this to me. I have 2 girl friends who call me and talk constantly about themselves. For like an hour I’ll listen to them and barely get a word in edgewise. The minute I try to talk about something, they’re tired and have to go. I just don’t even answer their calls anymore. It makes me not even want to try anymore.

#20

d) all of the above and too many others to list

damn the world

#21

^^go 'bama!

#22

A lot of you have done a lot of things to piss me off over the past year, so get comfortable.

Whatever, I’ll just skip it, we’ll leave at I hate you all, and lets get onto the feats of strength.

#23

Rude people piss me off. Whatever happened to common courtesy?

Why does it seem like everyone is always in a rush? Do people plan too much to do every day or are they that awful with a clock that they are always running through stores and speeding down local roads because they are constantly late?

Girls that wear ugz or anything similar to those. They don’t make you look sexier, they make you look like a complete bimbo who just follows trends. The same goes for those sunglasses that make you look like you have fly eyes. I dont understand how these trends pick up steam. Stupid broads.

Gay guys. First, hear me out. I am not homophobic nor do I have anything against it. But it honestly seems to me that being a gay male is more of a trend than a personal choice. I feel like everywhere I go I see gay guys all over wearing the same clothes, hair cuts, talking styles and all. I honestly feel like theyre doing it because its actually trendy right now. Hopefully I’m totally wrong with these thoughts but for some reason I don’t think I am.

Worse than bitching about gas prices is seeking out gas stations that have the lowest price/gallon. Are you seriously that cheap? I’d guess the average price range is no more than 0.08/gallon at any time. You’re going to drive around and seek out the cheapest one every time you need to fill up just so you can save less than $1? When you’re paying about $40 each time, what the hell is the difference?

Speaking of driving, each morning on my way to work there is a T intersection with 2 lanes that can turn left. 800 ft after that turn the lanes split up and go two different directions. The right lane is usually backed up because more people are headed in that direction. Because of this these fn jerks decide to get in the left lane at the T intersection, zip through the turn and cut someone off so that can take the right lane to the different part of town. This constantly slows up traffic and almost causes accidents. Many times I just watch the car next to me to make sure they dont run me off the road, because it just about happens once a week. If they try to speed up and cut me off Ill stay even with them with a big smile on my face. This usually pisses them off and I’ve seen many fingers flashed my way…so, if it’s a woman I’ll just blow her a kiss and smile. If it’s a guy I’ll just shake my head in disappointment for trying that shit on me.

I hate all aspects of driving but when I feel a lot safer when I’m the one behind the wheel instead of in the passenger’s seat.

Wow, that definitely felt good. If you made it this far hopefully you agree with some of it.

#24

What’s the deal with the razor slot in airplane bathrooms? I mean, are people really shaving in there?

#25

^it’s the ONLY place i’ll shave.

#26

I haven’t shaved in almost 2 weeks.

It’s that time of year again.

#27

Ya know… not that this isn’t a real grievance or anything but the way I’m thinking, the reason your prices are so high is the simple economics of supply/demand. You see your country is just too small. Little demand compared to the US etc. So OPEC has to ship oil to England at the regular cost of shipping, expenditures etc. for very little profit. Where the US uses huge quantities of oil, can buy things in bulk, OPEC gets rich and therefore we pay less at the pump.

Not only that but, I assume, England has no oil reserve of its own so it can’t off set market prices. It’s totally dependent on foreign oil where the US can help itself out with its own oil stockpile.

There has to be realistic reasons why y’all pay so much… the worlds not out to get England or anything.

So you should be mad at economics or something…

#28

^Wait! Is that part of Festivus? Having grievances with others peoples grievances? Is this how we get to the Feats of Strength? Cause, ya know, I’m all about Festivus…

#29

^Even Steven! (thats like, another Seinfeld reference because I’m down wit it like that).

Course you could go my route and not have insurance and run the risk of something happening and being in debt to well after death. Thats fun… I need insurance one day, ugh.

I think its the people that sue as well as the people who see a doctor for EVERYTHING from a runny nose to a pimple on the ass… at the cost of $600 or more ($5000 CAT scans etc) for every unnecessary ER visit. Yeah, add that to my list of grievances.

::pouts grievancy like::

#30

quick hijack to tell a humorous, yet relevent to the topic at hand tale.

one morning long ago i went into work at the old pizza joint early to start cutting veggies up for the day. we had this circular slicer named Hannibal that i was terrified of. i was always extra careful using it just because i had the idea that this thing WANTED to cut my fingers off.

anyway, there i was cutting up a green pepper and daydreaming away when zzzziiiiing! i pushed my finger right on the edge of the spinning blade. i didn’t/couldn’t look at it, so i just wrapped my finger up with paper towels. i told my boss i had to go to the hospital for stitches and that he should probably drive because i was feeling lightheaded.

well, he dropped me off and after hours of waiting in emergency, they finally got to me. the doc unwrapped my finger and started cleaning it out, which i thought would make me pass out. when it was all cleaned up he said “okay. you’re all set.” i was confused. where were the stitches? i mean, don’t i have to have it reattached or something? surely i sawed through some major tendons or nerves? nope. he told me that if i reeeeaaally wanted, he could maybe give me a single stitch, but it wasn’t necessary.

in the end, my boss was very unhappy with me for having to pay $200 for a band-aid. he kept calling me Little Miss Jerdenia or something like that for weeks after as well.

god i’m a pussy.

edit: ha ha, i just remembered for a little while he wouldn’t let me put pizza boxes together or count the cash at the end of the night because i might get a paper cut and cost him another $200 bucks. good times, good times.

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