Really funny Craigslist post

Non-Phish General
#1

I found this and laughed heartily. I wish everyone was more like this.

To the potheads who took 1 of the 4 free patio chairs I posted on CL
Date: 2007-07-05, 11:36AM PDT

You two girls were amped up about the 4 free patio chairs that I posted on CL. You came over, wafting the aroma of the sticky-icky as you walked by, and sat in the chairs and decided that they were the chairs for you. My husband and I proceeded to pick them up to carry them out front when we were informed that you were driving a Honda Civic. Insisting that you could fit one chair in and then come back for the rest, you squeezed about 4 inches of the chair into the car as the passenger held on tight to the 90% of the chair that was dangling on the outside. Many months have since passed and we have yet to see you stoners again. In my mind, there are 4 likely reasons as to why we have not seen you girls again:

  1. You simply forgot where you got the chair and why you even wanted it in the first place and have been mesmerized by an Abbazabba wrapper ever since.

  2. You forgot that they were free and are currently piled (along with 3 or 4 friends) on the single chair, passing the dutch and laughing about how you got away with a free chair.

  3. On your way home, you forgot where you lived and are still driving around with that damn chair dangling out the window. In which case, am willing to wait a little longer for you to find your way home because I’m certain that once you do, you’ll come back for the rest.

  4. You smoked the chair.

Either way, it is quite annoying having 3 chairs and I have found that it is much harder giving away a set of 3 than a set of 4. Admittedly, it will be hard to re-post these chairs because every time I see them I think of the two of you and wonder just what exactly became of that lone chair. I hope that whatever you did with it, it was well enjoyed.

Godspeed, you crazy potheads.

#2

Abbazabba, you my only friend.

#3

Funny? Maybe. Creepy? Yes.

best of craigslist > orlando > Want it from behind while you play Super Mario Brothers ? - m4w
Originally Posted: Wed, 2 Jul 14:35 EDT
Want it from behind while you play Super Mario Brothers ? - m4w
Date: 2008-07-02, 2:35PM EDT

Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it? This is the post for you then.

You must know your way around the game before we meet, must be open to anal sex, also able to fake an orgasm is a plus.

I will send you the address to a hotel and a room number. When you arrive the door will be open. Please come in close and lock the door and close the shades if they are still open. I will be in the bathroom and the door will be closed. Turn on the TV and the Nintendo. Remove all of your clothing. Turn off all lights in the room and kneel down on the bed so you are directly in the light of the TV. You need to be facing the TV with your butt in the air pointed toward the pillows on the bed.

Press the start button on the controller when you are ready. I will hear the sound and turn the light off in the bathroom and come out. You will not look directly at me, only look at the TV. When the first level starts I will begin to finger you and lick you. I will be using lots of lube as well.

When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks. When level 2 begins and Mario walks into the pipe, I will penetrate you. You may say things like, “MORE”, “HARDER”, “YES”, “FUCK ME”, but nothing else. I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.

When you reach the flag you must again trigger the fireworks, and also orgasm. I will pull out. When the 1-3 starts I will penetrate your ass. You are allowed to say something like “OH GOD”, “YES”, OR “IT HURTS” no other conversation is allowed.

When level 1-4 starts I will alternate between holes as I see fit. You may beg me to cum inside or outside of you, depending on what you want. When boss falls and you reach the princess I will pull out and blow my load where you have convinced me I want too. You may then say something like “Thanks”, “It was great”, “I loved it”, “Don’t stop”

If I am impressed you may continue playing and I will continue to pleasure you. If I am not, I will turn the Nintendo Off and return to the bathroom. At this time you may clean your self with the towel that is beside the bed. Turn the lights on, redress yourself and leave.

I may come back out and talk to you as you dress but the conversation will most likely be short and revolve around scheduling another time to get together.

#4

The first post is great, especially for the “you smoked the chair” line but, Holy crap, the second is HILARIOUS.

Just PRICELESS!!

He also doesn’t specify if you should beat the boss with fireballs or if you should collapse the bridge. This is pertinent. I almost wish I could respond and ask this…almost…

Stevo

#5

ok so i get the add, how much $ is that guy going to pay to find somebody who will take him up on his fantasy? or does he expect to be the one to get paid?

couple hundo? more?

what say you pah?

#6

Isn’t the payment being able to play Super Mario Brothers? Weeeeeeee!!

#7

i guess so, and the handy towel to clean up when it’s all said and done

don’t forget to bring a towel

#8

You’re a towel.

#9

damn skippy

#10

That’s fucking hilarious!