Here is my scribblings of my stand up comedy set that I did last night. I wanted to share it with you guys. copyright trademark.
Hi everyone. Happy Holidays! This time of year people either love or hate. I know its all commercial and whatnot but it is a nice excuse to see our random extended family. Too bad my mom’s side of the family feuds most of the time. Last year for christmas my mom got my aunt grace a cook book, my mom’s favorite cookbook, the new dieters cookbook. she took it personally, because she is fat.
my birthday is around this time of year. its the pits. i think thats why i start to get depressed around the holidays. because i usually get so excited about it and most people just forget about it. its on december 30th. quite possibly the worst day of the year to have a birthday.
So I walked into McDonalds the other day. because I was feeling the need for a big mac value meal. Anyway they list everything that comes in the meal. fries, sandwich, soda, and 7340 calories. yeah I’ll have big mac, hold the pickles and the calories please, yeah i don’t want any of those.
because if i cared how many calories were in my Big Mac, i wouldn’t be eating at Mcdonalds, i would get a salad somewhere else. i don’t need to know how many calories are in my junk food.
they are just numbers peoples, calories are just a bunch of numbers. your weight? its just numbers, you can even translate it to the metric system to sound thinner. i weigh 30 stone. your age, its just a number, you look my age, so it doesn’t matter i’ll still date you. your area code, just a number, it doesn’t matter if you live in 90210 or 11221, thats my zip code ,the Bushwick ghetto. your phone number, its just a number, if that shmuck you met last night at the bar doesn’t call you, forgettaboutit!.
so i recently had my heart ripped out, and spit on, and then put back. obviously this guy wasn’t strong enough to break it. About one month into dating him he started to get elusive, but he would call me an apologize and say “I;m just being weird”. yeah i guess i would be weird too if my head were that far up my ass. and then the last time i saw him we were at a concert with a bunch of our friends. and he ignored me most of the time, what the fuck. but at the end of the night I was like “hey, keep in touch, don’t be a stranger” and he gave me this really weird look, so i muttered “or be a stranger and go fuck yourself.” it just kinda came out. i couldn’t help it. my gut usually does most of the thinking.
you know ‘Meh’ was just added to Webster’s dictionary. you know what my thoughts on this were. meh.
i like whatever better as a tone of apathy. and you can use it in so many other subtexts
oh you want to get chinese takeout or pizza? whatever.
sorry I’m just being weird. whatever.
get a real job. whatever.
when i say whatever it basically means , you’re an asshole but I’m over it, I’m not gonna do anything about it.
sometimes i wish i was a guy just so i could say. suck my dick! or lick my balls!
way more powerful than lick my tit or eat my twat. those just sound kinda gross.
then there’s other times when just playing things out in your head is enough. like kicking someone square in the ass. or daydreaming about putting a flaming bag of shit on someone’s doorstep. just the concept is enough revenge.
my favorite tactic is really giving someone a taste of their own medicine. oh yeah? how’d ya like that? in your face!!!
Comedians are not to be trifled with. cross us and we will turn you into stew.
although, don’t be sorry dudes i got some good material!
So I’m 25 going on 26 and i just started getting into this whole dating crap, it really sucks
what I’ve learned so far is , the nice ones are pansy cowards, the bold ones are pricks, and the cute ones, forget about it. they are way into themselves to even care and will probably cheat on you anyway.
hopefully a good one will find me soon, because im sick of this shit!
i think i want to find a nice australian boy, because they are the only white boys that know how to dance!
So my new years resolution is to work my ass off and try and get a sag card so i can eventually high tail to LA. NYC is kicking my butt. I’m really sick and tired of everyone in my personal space. get the hell out of my way. besides if i move to california my parents are gonna give me a car, and i’ve always wanted my own car. So I decided I’m gonna go out for as much background work as a I can. its actually pretty fun because you can tell everyone that you’re makin movies! I remember the first time I was a featured extra in a feature length film. I got to crossover in front of the camera, basically the guy was like “Walk now!”
I wrote a letter to my grandma i was so excited about it! Meanwhile that film has never seen the light of day and if it does maybe you can see my hand in there somewhere, or maybe in the deleted scenes.
anyway I’m Marianne Nonna. party on!